Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
