i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
