She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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