matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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