i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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