True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
