My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
