mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
