I hope mine doesn't look like that
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
