I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
