You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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