I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
