I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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