mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
