I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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