I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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