ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
