HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
A+ Viking dick
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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