it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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