Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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