In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
