I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize