You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
