I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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