You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
