That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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