oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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