I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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