I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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