Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
