Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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