I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your penis caused this!
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