I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've blown a few things in my day
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
