Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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