She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
