her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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