It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
