wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
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