I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
is it fun? or sober?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
