Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
