If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
