I met the friendliest cop last night
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's like heaven, but drunker
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
