I take back everything I said about communal showers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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