im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
