I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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