I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
