I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
