speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
