i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
