he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
