Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
