Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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