Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
