can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she peed on how many people?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
