We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
even my farts smell like vagina
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
