in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
