He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
